Twenty-first century parenting throws up unique challenges. Here are five issues that crop up as new concerns and some strategies to help you walk the talk. Mamma, today you are our papa. Papa, will you tie my hair into a ponytail?"
Some days, three-year-old Maya decides to address her mother as Papa. It was an idea Geet Oberoi-single mother of Maya and her 6-year-old sister India-devised when her elder daughter came back home from school, upset that the teacher had asked them to bring their fathers along. "That's when I told them I was both their mother and father," says Geet, a special educator by profession.
Geet and her two adopted girls are the picture of a happy family. "The popularly accepted idea of a complete family with two parents and kids is great, but it does not mean that children who do not grow up in one become incomplete individuals.
My objective as their mother is to help them become happy and confident individuals," she says. Geet is a new age parent, one whose choices don't necessarily conform to our social mores. Twenty first century parenting has thrown up new situations and struggles. It demands that we learn to juggle our ambitions, desires and choices with our duties as a parent.
Today, there are more single parents than ever before and a rising number of reconstituted families. More women have joined the workforce leading to greater economic affluence and spending power. We asked counsellors, educators and parents about the challenges and how to beat them.
The Single Mom
Your single status may be the result of a separation or divorce, a job that has meant your spouse lives in a different city, or the death of the partner. Every situation throws up its unique challenges, and will require you to summon all your strength and patience. How you balance life and work as a single parent hinges on the kind of support you have-social and financial. Don't hesitate to ask your family and close friends for help, because your support network determines how your child adjusts to the new situation. The ideal situation is when you have your parents chipping in. "If a grandparent is taking care of the child, much of the anxiety and guilt of a single mother is addressed," says Gayatri Swaminathan, clinical psychologist at TalkItOver Counseling Services, Bengaluru. If the child is left in the care of a maid or at a day-care centre, there will be problems like unsupervised time on the Internet and inability to set a rythm to his day. Talk to your child about your concerns. Keep the communication twoway so he can share his worries with you. Be honest about why you're single and don't try to influence his relationship with his dad.
MANAGING ALONE may leave you feeling breatheless. But when you've found the ropes, you might find it liberating, says Shelja Sen, Prevention columnist and family therapist at Children First, Delhi. Especially if the relationship that preceded her single status was ridden with conflict. "It depends on the context, but a lot of women find it empowering that they're taking important parental decisions," adds Sen.
YOU MAY FEEL a sense of incompleteness. Says Sen, "The feeling can trickle down to the child. It's important to believe that you're a complete family, to accept that there are different kinds of families, and being different does not imply being incomplete."
YOUR CHILD IS feeling insecure. He may become withdrawn, show maturity beyond his age, learn to hide his own anxiety to ease his mother's. "Often, the child may begin to believe that he is the cause of the separation. So how you deal with the separation is a marker for how your child adjusts to the situation. Address his worries, do not make him a spectator to your arguments. Let him know that even if his parents are divorced, they are committed to him.
The Reconstituted Family
It took Amita K* a long time to get her daughters to accept her new partner. "First they were insecure he would take me away from them. Then they detested him for being 'different'," she says. With time, as the girls discovered how uncle could help them with school projects or take them to a music concert, her daughters were more accepting.
YOU'VE PUT YOUR PAST behind and found a man you want to spend your life with. But fitting into a reconstituted family can be quite daunting for the child, and involves an act of fine balance for you. Your child is worried he has to 'share' his mom with the new man who threatens to replace his father and could be involved in major decisions of his life. He may detest step-siblings for having to share your time and affection.
HELP YOUR CHILD COPE Children have to be prepared for the transition into a new family," says Dr Ashwani Kumar, medical director of Santulan EAP, which provides crisis intervention services in major cities across the country.
Mom in a fix?
Be honest about what you're going through with your kids. You don't always have to put up a brave front. It's ok to sometimes show vulnerability. n Have a healthy working relationship with your former spouse. Be neutral about him and let the children decide how they want to feel or make of the situation. n Involve the child with the choices such as where they'd like to spend their summer vacations and how often they'd like to visit the father.
Talk to the child, involve her in the process, ask for her opinion, listen. Don't try to hasten the process of acceptance, let her not feel like the decision is being thrust upon her. A lot depends on how you introduce the new person to the child. Engage the child and let her meet your new partner and spend time together. When a certain comfort is established, step back, let them work it out," says Gilda Rose Kalathil, behavioural counsellor, The Shree Ram School, Gurgaon.
RECOGNISE THAT your child has opinions and feelings. Give her the space to speak her mind. and encourage her to share her concerns, adds Kalathil. If this space is missing, the child may become rebellious or withdrawn and unavailable. "Explain in a way your child understands that accepting a new person in his mother's life does not imply betraying his own father. In such a situation, your relationship with your former spouse and how he helps your child cope with the new scheme of things also matters," adds Swaminathan.
INVOLVE THE PARTNER
because he will need time to ease into the new role too, especially if he's not a parent himself. Let them spend time together, and after a level of comfort has been established, step back. At the same time, your new partner need not try and replace the father, ideally he should not take on the role of the disciplinarian, or take major decisions that affect the child.
The Absentee Mom
She loves her child. She loves her work. The problem crops up when that work keeps her away from her children. There are deadlines to keep, a home to manage and guilt is a constant. "Absentee moms tend to become guilty moms as they're conflicted between the prospect of improving home finances, following their career goals and missing their child's milestones," says Kumar. Dr Jitendra Nagpal, senior consulant, psychiatrist, Child Development & Adolescent Health Centre, Moolchand Medcity, Delhi, tells us of of The 'ATM father' (you need to make an application before you can meet him), the sandwiched mother (who is trying to balance home and work, husband and children)- labels teenagers come up with for their 'missing' parents. Does that mean you give up work and forego the sense of fulfillment it brings you? No, but learn to manage it better so you can stay connected with your children through the day. "Eventually, children want to see their mothers happy," says Sen, herself a working mom of two. Long parental absences can manifest as behavioural issues in a child. As he grows up, the child may become rebellious and emotionally unavailable. So make optimal use of the time you have. "Keep in touch with your child through the day, call them when they're back from school, discuss homework or how they plan to spend the day," advises Sen.
QUALITY OR QUANTITY?
Don't overlook quantity. A younger child needs more time with the mother. With older children, focus on the quality. "Understand what quality means to them, sometimes they just need you to be there, not do something necessarily," she says. Don't plan activities the child doesn't enjoy. "Quality time is about being present physically and mentally. Switch off your phone or the laptop. Even watching cartoons can be quality time if you make it interactive." Don't get into the guilt trap and compensate with gifts. "You've made a choice and you cannot assuage your guilt by giving things to the child," advises Swaminathan.
YOUR CHILD NEEDS you. But she also needs you to be happy. Show her you have needs apart from family, talk about your work, let them visit you in office sometime. Involve them in weekend plans, or the extra-curricular activities you'd like them to be involved in. "Absentee mothers should keep a check on their emotions and not indulge in self-preservation actions as in that path, they tend to overrule the child's emotions," adds Kumar.
The Overcompensating Parent
The need to overcompensate may be fed by various reasons. The parental instinct to provide buoyed by our rising incomes, inability to set limits, a feeling of competition with friends or neighbours or masking the guilt of our absence with gifts.
AN OVERINDULGED child may show poor social skills, learn to misuse parental affection, disregard rules, lack empathy and replace emotions with material gain. "There is a development stage when a young child believes she's the centre of the universe. An overcompensated child may not leave that phase for a longer time and continue to believe her needs come first," adds Swaminathan.
Unsupervised Time on the Internet
It begins rather innocuously, the television is our electronic baby sitter. Fast forward 10 years and you find your teenager glued to the computer- online games or messenger services. While the Internet itself can be hugely educative, the amount of time spent online is emerging as one of the biggest worries for parents of teenagers and pre-teens today. The dangers-undesirable content, giving away financial and personal details, getting too close to strangers online, disturbed sleep cycles and strained eyes. Reacting sharply, accusing or scolding will only make him lie to you. Policing is not an option either. "You have to be involved in setting the limits for your child," says Swaminathan.
BUILD TRUST.
Begin early. Talk to your child about what excites him on the Net, surf together. As she grows older, place the computer in a central part of the house which is visible to others. Allow some time to themselves, and don't snoop. Plan some joint activities, watch films, read up or play computer games with him.
TEACH THEM to follow house rules. Set a condition on time. Cut back if they've exceeded, reward when they stick to it. When your child is young, set a rhythm to the day, so they learn to keep themselves engaged in various activities.
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